My Name is Mardukas...and I have a problem.

This being my first year back in the United States (and not floating in the middle of the ocean) for football season, I've joined a few more fantasy football leagues than the four I normally participate in....FIVE more to be exact.  Excessive? Yes, BUT its not like they're just leagues with strangers and i'm just a junky looking to get a fix.  Anyways, I am the Commissioner for three of these leagues, and as Commissioner i feel obligated to throw in my two cents on what I believe is happening now and what will happen in the weeks to come in MY leagues.  Make no mistake, if you're in one of these three leagues with me, you are under my dictatorship.  Each week I plan on making predictions, stating the obvious and recapping the previous weeks highlights for at least one of my leagues.  This week...my personal favorite, Somali Pirates Only Return to the USA.

Somali Pirates Only is in a 14 team PPR Keeper League in its fourth year of existence and spans the globe with members currently residing all over the planet.  The online draft, in which all but three members drafted, had members drafting from California, Florida, wherever Hern lives these days, Japan, the middle east, and onboard an aircraft carrier.   Two missing the draft live in Hawaii and New York.

Last year Chad "Pocket Thunder" Thomas won the league as the 6th seed in the playoffs on the back of his hero Tony Romo and...DAAA BEARS defense.  His team was autodrafted, but made some clutch adds with the likes of Randall Cobb, Cecil Shorts...and someone dropped Aaron Hernandez for some reason last season? Odds of a repeat...slim to none. Reason?  Chad drafted Andrew Luck and Russell Wilson in rounds 5 and 6 before he drafted a number two W/R, his number one being his boy from last year Randall Cobb.  I like Cobb but i believe the packers w/r situation is cannibalized between Cobb, Nelson and Jones none of which will be have reliable stats to warrant being a number one or two receiver.  ESPN rated his draft a C and stated "we're looking at a potential winner...of the consolation bracket."  As I always say "You might not win your league via the draft, but you can certainly lose it," I don't know where i heard it, but I love saying it.

Alright enough of the champ HATE, and on to everyone's favorite segment "Commish Predicts" normally this is based on a week to week basis but since it's week one, it will be my predictions for the Season.

1.  Charles Cash will not win a game ALL season.  Cash...buddy, what happened?  Charles Cash was the surprise manager of the league last year.  Placed third overall in his sophomore effort after a rookie season in which he tried drafting both Randy Moss and Terrell Owens.  Here's his roster for week 1:

QB	Colin Kaepernick, SF QB		GB	Sun 4:25		25	164	10.3	--		16	12th	79.1	100.0	+0
RB	Darren Sproles, NO RB		Atl	Sun 1:00		16	168.5	10.5	--		16	25th	86.4	100.0	+0
RB	Rashard Mendenhall, Ari RB  P		@StL	Sun 4:25		84	28.5	1.8	--		9.5	22nd	15.0	100.0	+0
WR	Julio Jones, Atl WR		@NO	Sun 1:00		11	212.5	13.3	--		17.5	31st	100.0	100.0	+0
WR	Wes Welker, Den WR  P		Bal	W 49-27		7	222	13.9	--		10	13th	93.2	100.0	+0
TE	Tony Gonzalez, Atl TE		@NO	Sun 1:00		2	181.5	11.3	--		12	25th	98.5	100.0	+0
FLEX	Michael Bush, Chi RB		Cin	Sun 1:00		44	71.5	4.5	--		8.5	14th	3.1	38.6	-1.7
D/ST	Falcons D/ST D/ST		@NO	Sun 1:00		19	98	6.1	--		0	4th	4.2	12.2	+0.4
K	Matt Bryant, Atl K  P		@NO	Sun 1:00		3	156	9.8	--		9	21st	93.1	100.0	+0

Sorry, i'll find a way to pay you back for all the vomit on your keyboard.

2.  Brandon Weeden, Josh Gordon, and Trent Richardson will all be ranked in the fantasy top 15 of their respective positions at the end of the season and the Browns will make the playoffs.  I loved the way Gordon's flashes of brilliance last season, i love the fact that Norv Turner is their offensive coordinator (would have hated if he were the head coach) and I especially love the fact that Trent Richardson is finally 100%.

3. A top 5 tight end is still sitting on the waiver wire as I type this.  It MAY be Julius Thomas, who had a solid coming out party vs the ravens, but i'm not reffering specifically to Thomas.  That diamond in the rough is waiting for you, but will you choose correctly?  I was HUGE on Coby Fleener going into last season, and still believe that the Stanford connection between him and Luck will pay dividends when its all said and done.  Dallas Clark is a Raven, taking on the Pitta Roles, and I have this crazy feeling Chip-n-Vick Show is going to feed the tight end this year.

This week's Matchups:


[)eath Via Aerial/-\ssault (DIVA)  vs  Lebron Janikowskiiiis (LBJ)

 The Champ vs The Rook. The Thunder vs The Boo Bear.  Wolf-Pac Vs Wolf-Pac.  This bromance is about to take their relationship to a whole new level.  ESPN had the champ winning 111 to 102, and i'm going to have to agree, not so much the score, but the outcome will be the same.  DIVA is sporting a backfield combo os LeSean McCoy and Alfred Morris who will be starring in what I believe will be a obscenely high scoring Monday Night Football game, vs LBJ's Run DMC - Matt Forte Combo.  I love my Bears, and I may be watching too much hard knocks, but I think the Bengals defense is the real deal and the new offense may struggle to run against the likes of Geno Atkins, Vontaze Burfict and Ivan Drago..i mean Margus Hunt.  McFadden will not make it through the first half.  The Flex spot, to me, says a lot about an owner.  It shows who's been doing the research, whos willing to take a gamble, and in this case who doesn't know what they're doing. LBJ is starting Chris Ivory in his flex, which clearly means that owner Joshua "Boo Bear" Crosby has  lost interest in the league before the season has even started.  Meanwhile,  Pocket Thunder made up for his Russell Wilson debacle later in the draft when he scooped up Kenbrell Thompkins, who is kool-aid quenching the fantasy world's thirst.

Jay Cutler's Arm(JCA)  vs  Taylorgang Reed(TR)
Matthew Trexler                                 Taylor Reed

The battle of the best and worst team names in league!  TR would be our leagues recipient of Peyton Manning's Fantasy Football week one LOCK, except his number two running back is shane vereen.  I will never willingly draft ANYONE listed as a #2 on the depth chart unless A.  They're a rookie who WILL take the starting job by years end IE Giovanni Bernard, or B.  They've fallen so far in the draft that the value is too good to pass up ie a top 60 player (T.Y. Hilton or Jordy Nelson) in the 10th round.  Shane Vereen does not fall anywhere near those categories and does not warrant a flex spot much less a #2 rb spot.(a bye week, maybe).  The other this he has going against him is that he's playing Jay Cutler's Arm, and boy oh boy is that thing a canon!  All jokes aside, I hate and pick against Trexler's teams every year (yes, i hate his team this year) but for some reason he's always in the hunt and wins more than he loses, so why would this year be any different. Am I allowed to hate Boston again yet? Either way, Trex's combo of Maurice Jone-Drew, Marshawn Lynch and Matthew Stafford should be able to offset TR's Peyton Manning, Steven Jackson, Shane Vareen combo despite Manning's beastly thursday performance.  I OWN MANNING IN ONLY ONE OF MY NINE LEAGUES, AND I WON'T EVEN GET INTO DETAILS ON HOW RIDICULOUS THE ROSTERS ARE IN MY BROTHER VS BROTHER 4 TEAM 32 MAN ROSTER LEAGUE.  Sorry Taylor, but Taylor is going to be sleeping next to a giant crying Taylor as of monday night.

Finally...my last preview.  My favorite matchup of the week.

One Goal(APE)                                       vs  Hawaiian Meth Lab (Lil Roz)
Nathan "Insert Monkey Reference" Enterline                     Josh "Lil Roz" Roznowski

The young Simeon known as Nathan Enterline put all of his eggs into one basket (is that a saying?) when he decided not only to forgo draft a running back in the first round (matt forte was available), but he waited until the 5th, and it was EDDY LACY!! Normally, i'm against fandom driving your draft picks but thats mainly when you reach, and if know the little ape at all you know he's a bears fan and when you have matt forte sitting there ready to back up all of the trash talk you spew on a daily basis...you pass, and take a goddamn packer.  Bears fans, i'm sorry...but that is basically the kiss of death.  When the bears play the packers, Lacy is going to BREAK RECORDs, forte will not be a factor.  Why? Why am I stating such treason? BECAUSE Mighty Joe Young does nothing but benefit from the bear misfortune, and what would be worse is than if the packers actually developed a running game this year.  Goddammit.  Ok, tangent over.  Roz has a good team, Matt Ryan, Ray Rice, Frank Gore, Brandon Marshall, and Steve Smith more than enough to beat Chim Chim....sorry folks, i'm still reeling from the realization that the bears aren't going to the playoffs this season.

Remaining Matchups Whip Around

BROOKLYN BEATDOWN vs Team Lesnar
Lesnar Wins.  Brock take out the lawfirm and start miles austin this week.  Kervin drop ballard.

Stankmeener's Watugondo?!!! vs RECRUITING TREXS MOM
What was my first prediction of the year again? oh yeah, Stankmeener's got this one.

Team DopeAssOriental vs Tx Midnight CocK
The roster crows tuesday morning with a victory under his comb.

For the record, I never preview my matchups mainly because I always think i'm going to win and no one likes a bragger.

and as always....

Kick Rocks,

Mardukas
The Commish