Sunday, September 14, 2014


Once again, I'm in a more leagues than the average fantasy football fan. This year's leagues are as follows:

0-1 League of D's (Gruden's Buldge) - 10 Team PPR two player keeper. 8 seasons. This is my hometown league with friends from the Hicag.  Never made it to the championship. I came in 3rd place in 2008 and 2009, and haven't made the playoff since (unless you count the 2010 8 out of 12 teams playoffs). I'd accredit it to fierce competition...if it were true, but it's not. Year of Mardukas - 2014.

0-1 Four Loko Society of Lemoore - 12 Team PPR, one keeper. Last year 2nd place. bottom 2 teams get cut every year. This league was highlighted last week, no need to ramble.

1-0 ShutDaChuckUp - 10 Team, standard format last year 3rd place..  League with my wife's hometown friends, along with my siblings and their significant others. its only our second year, but there's good smack talk.  Mrs. Mardukas won last via a beatdown of my younger brother (sebastian).

1-0 XXXFL - 10 Team, standard format last year Champion.  Sebastian's friends made the mistake of inviting me into their league last year where they were quick to find that the man known as Mardukas is on a whole other level.

1-0 Operation Enduring Fantasy Football Freedom -16 team, PPR, bottom 2 team eliminator. last year 2nd.  Last year this was not a 16 team league, last year it more of a cluster fuck due to draft day issues that started the league off wrong and never fully recovered.  This year, we've retooled and i'm proud to say that it has the making of my best commissioning ever.  A weekly unicorn of shame is given whoever scores the lowest, the league championship belt is awarded to the weekly high score.  This is a work league, and the smack talking has started a little week, but should progress nicely as the season progresses.

0-1 Operation Enduring Fantasy Football Freedom (Navy Element) - 12 team, PPR. Another work league, but only Sailors in this league.

Last Week's Predictions Recap 1-2:

The Returning of the Reigning Champ took down Tx Midnight Cock as predicted, but not for the reasons I thought.

Team Lesnar back handed THERESA POEHLMAN and my prediction, reminding us that it's never safe to bet on Charles Cash.

Finally, had it not been one for someone not setting their lineup (No Bones!!) the Beatdown of the week would have been correct via a 51 point uninvited sexual encounter. Poor little Roz.

This week I'm highlighting Operation Enduring Fantasy Football Freedom, with three interesting matchup previews, my prediction for high scorer and lower scorer in the league, and round it up with my fanduel lineup.

WEEK 2 - Early Season Intra-Division Battle Royale w/ Cheese

Knee vs Knuckles The Battle of SIGINT Supremacy
Young Linwood Edwards and his magical Purple Jesus Juice are dealing with the aftermath of reaching for Tom Brady in the 2nd round of our 16 team draft, the result...Frank Gore as their number one back and neglecting the RB position again until the 7th rd.  This is one of the few weeks this year where he'll be projected to win due the 9ers facing my Bears' tragic run defense, and a swing for the fences waiver claim of Bobby Rainey.  The White Walters are a legitimate contender in this league, with no glaring weakness in his starting lineup.  One day the student will become the teacher, but not today.  The White Walters are my prediction for BEATDOWN of the Week, better luck never Young Padawan.

"It may be called Fantasy, but the feelings are real" - Jeff Strazzere

Two league heavyweights took one on the chin last week, with the defending champ, Average Bros Gym, not only losing, but receiving the year's first unicorn of shame and the West Chase Warriors stumbling out of the gates.  Both teams entered the season with high hopes, and loud mouths regarding their championship aspirations.  In such a big league in which division champions get an automatic playoff bid, its never too early to call it a MUST win game.  Neither team is particularly better than the other, with the Champs sticking with the enigma that is Trent Richardson and  the Warriors starting a past his prime Fitzgerald paired with an Oakland Raider (name doesn't matter in regards to Raiders and fantasy football).The Champ is currently benefiting from Justin Tucker's monster game on Thursday, but The Warriors have Steven Hauschka to counter.  This one will be close, but with the season being so young and the Warriors team being so old, he's going to get the best out of his Over-the-hill gaggle of receivers and flexs.  The Champ starts off 0-2.

The War of the (cubicle) Wall

Recent reports have been made that Team Roslin owner Shiloh (don't call me Guy-Blow) Roslin was rushed to the E.R. after Hot Pink Lipgloss owner Kristen French blindly threw a swingline stapler over her cubicle wall in the direction of young Mr. Roslin.  Details to the injuries sustained have yet to be release to the press, but an insider at Mr. Roslin's pharmacy leaked the fact that Mr. Roslin had to up his dosage of Tryact'n. (Try act'n like a man...get it??) Shortly after his return from convalescent leave, mean Shiloh, traded away his number 2nd round draft pick (Demarco Murray) straight-up for Colin Kaepernick.  Please note that as of 0930 this morning, Team Roslin still have Phillip Rivers in his starting line-up and Kaep on his bench. Meanwhile, Ms. French is proud new owner of Matt Asiata, who is projected to be the #1 back in Minnesota while AP's legal situation is sorted out.    No Lipgloss will be smeared this week.  Shiloh, say Hi to young edwards at the bottom of your division.

Championship Belt Prediction - Northern White Walters, again..I see no weakness on this team.

Unicorn of Shame - Purple Jesus Juice needs to get to church and pray for a time machine to swap out 2014 Gore and Brady with the 2010 versions of themselves.


Last week I was 7 points out of the money, thanks to an underwhelming performance from Frank Gore against the putrid Dallas Defense.

This week, i'm stuck between to completely opposite lineups.


On the left we have my strategy of going all in on the top 3 ranked WRs and filling out the rest with gut feelings. Cassel vs The Pats is me sticking with my "revenge" game theory that players play better against their former teams.  I think Ahmad supplants himself as the #1 once again in Indy in a high scoring affair vs the Eagles on monday night.  I think the Giants focus more on the run this week based on what Eli showed last monday.

On the right, i went for homerun hitters, which is extremely risky, but sometimes you gotta swing for the fences.  Sproles, Giovani, Percy and Hunter are all big play threats and is each of them finds a way to do what they do best this week, the payoff could be glorious.

I'm leaning towards the right, but I really like the idea of having those three monsters leading my team.  Chime in if you have an opinion.  Otherwise, its less than two hours until kick off.

DAMMIT Carson Palmer is out this week.

Kick Rocks,


Sunday, September 7, 2014



Colin're dead to me.
3 more passing yards.
9 more rushing yards.


Matt Ryan you're dead too. down 3 with under 2 minutes to play, send it to overtime. easy day...Kaep with get his stats in the overtime period.  PICK SIX! around kidding me??

Final Score to the Four Loko Society of Lemoore (FLSL) Championship

Tough pill to swallow.

Lets just dive right in.  Last year was a fairly successful fantasy year for me, ended up with FOUR second place finishes, one championship and lets not talk about the League of Ds.  This year's format is going to be a quick hitter on the Four Loko League Draft, 3 matchup previews and my fanduel lineup.

This year's FLSL draft was a renunion of a league that is going on its 5th season and started onboard a big ass boat in Japan. Members voyaged here to Tampa from Hawaii, San Diego, Atlanta and Jacksonville to participate in the draft order event and live draft. For those that attended, you know the epicness that was achieved that day, for those who didn't....well maybe next year?  All but two other members joined in the draft via the WORLD WIDE WEB from all over the globe, Japan, Virginia, New York, California, and Parts Unknown (the Champ).

Heres how ESPN thinks we did.

FYSA(For Your Situational Awareness) Tean DAO was autodrafted, Charles Cash was drunk...well so was I, oh so were the Ape and Roz.

Here are what I believe to be the 3 best, and 3 worst picks in the draft:

All Three took place in the 10th Round and envolved unproven players with high upside.

Brooklyn Beatdown - 110 overall Bradin Cooks.  I've witnessed Cooks' ADP go from the 130s up the mid 60s in a matter of weeks.  Brees is used to making low end draft picks look like studs, and this is the first time in recent memory that the Saints have invested a first round pick on a receiver, i'm buying the hype.

The Champ - 113 overall Kevlin Benjamin.  Benjamin is getting thrust into the spotlight as the Panthers completely gutted their mediocre receiving corps and replaced them with an bunch of receivers past their primes aka a mediocre receiving corps (see Jason Avant and Jericho Cotchrey).  Benjamin could have benefited from playing opposite of Steve Smith for last couple years of his career, but sources (a Panthers fan I work with) say that the Panthers Brass thought it was time for Cam to be the undisputed leader of the locker room, and that wouldnt happen with Steve Smith there.  Either way, Benjamin has looked great in the preseason, and he'll be a must start receiver by years end.

The Ape - 118th overall Zach Ertz.  Almost every draft i've done this year, when Zach Ertz is drafted I say, "Shit I forgot about Ertz."  I believe that Ertz will end up ranked higher than the four TEs draft before him in this draft (Reed, Rudolph, Pitta and Cameron).

After five seasons of drafting this league knows what they're doing, and it's hard to find bad picks, but here's what I came up with.

Tx Midnight Cock - 45 overall Trent Richardson.  The highest I saw Trent go in any draft, Rashaad Jennings, Toby Gerhart, and even Chris Johnson would have been better picks here, but El Gallo Loco made up for it by take Ray Rice in the next round. soooo Comme si comme sa.

Chalupa Batman - 82 overall Matt Ryan.  This wouldn't have been a bad pick, had Sir Charles Cash not draft RGIII two rounds earlier in a league with only 3 bench spots....I won't mention the 2nd defense he drafted.

Mardukas II Son of Mardukas - 36 overall Pierrce Garcon.  All the way heading into the draft I had planned to keep Giovani Bernard until about 1 hour prior and 3 or 4 Jai-Alai into the day, I switched to A.J. Green.  But 2 Jai-Alai later my brain has a Matt Forte and Gio Bernard combo and I need receivers...hence the reach for Garcon even though I already A.J. Green and needed another back.  Damn you Cigar City Brewing!

Match ONE - Two Victims of the Texas Public School System

I know I criticized El Gallo Negro for taking Richardson, but that was based on WHERE he took, not that he actually took them. I'm probably the one and only person who thinks Richardson has a good game here.  Luck has WEAPONS, two tight ends with hands, a stud #1 in Ty Hilton, a savy vet in Reggie Wayne, and a #3 who is a former #1 with a chip on his can't guard ALL of them and stack the box, i think Trent busts his first big TD for the Colts, and ends with 75+ 2 tds. The Champ has C.J. Spiller playing against my Bears and their historically bad run defense from a year ago, and the logic says he'll have a big day.  My only worry for C.J. is that the Bears go up big early via their monsterous receiving corps, and the Bills are playing catch up behind the arm of E.J Manuel...yuck.  Peterson vs Jennings and Manning vs Wilson wash each other out, as do both of their receiving corps.  I'm looking at the TE matchup here.  Jordan Cameron (to me) looks like a flash in the pan, and the browns QB I need to say anything?  Greg Olsen is the only familiarity Cam has left in his receiving corps and with his injured ribs, I think Cam is going to play is safe and smart.  BIG DAY FOR OLSEN.

The Champs take one on the chin, but not by much.  WINNER - The Rooster.
Another 4-0 start for Sir Charles...only to end 4-10.
Sneaky win of the week is going to go to Sir Charles.  I like the addition of Kubiak in Baltimore, and this Charles Cash owns the two primary beneficiaries of his arrival.  I don't like the addition of Sproles to the Eagles offense solely based on his performance outside of dome life, and i'm not sure if Tons-of-Fun has an insider over in Vikings Camp, but Cordarrelle Patterson is the only Vikings receiver worth starting week 1.  Cash needs to savor this early win, because the bye weeks are going to be a bitch.

Week One of the Poehlman Curse.
Beatdown of the week.  Just too many Lions.

Shit. That might just change my pick between the rooster and champ, Matt Blanchard or Joe Webb? YUCK. Sorry Hern, the bucs are going to eat whoever it is alive. Champ takes it.

Back to the Beatdown. Too many lions, Rodgers beautifully awful performance on thursday.  If he knows it's coming and doesn't do anything to stop it still rape?

Other matchups -

Death Via Aerial Assault...Assaults The Dope One.
The Ape gains from our sad #12 replacement who is starting both Cam and Matt Prater.

My fanduel lineup.  $25 entry in the Sunday Million.  Top 8000 participants get paid.
Palmer - I simply like having someone playing in the MNF game, and Palmer fit the budget.
Foster and Gore - For the same reason, they're both probably as healthy as they'll be all year playing against BAD defenses.
Marquis Lee - Always gotta have a sleeper to separate you from the pack, and with Cecil Shorts out...the Jags playing from behind..someone has to catch the ball.
Garcon and Marshall - Fanduel is PPR, i'm banking on 6+ catches for both.
Julius Thomas - Because every team needs a Broncos pass catcher.
Nate Freese - $4500 against CAP, MNF Player, in a potential Lions Beatdown, i'll take it.
Steelers - The browns are bad. the steelers are old, but again they're healthy. Troy gimme a pick six!!

As always Ladies, Ds, Chippies and Admirers,

Kick Rocks,

The Commish.

PS:  I don't spell check or re-read, deal with my organic misspellings and poor grammar.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Mardukas Rises

It was just over a month ago when I last posted.  Complaining about being a measly 2-8 combined in my 2 favorite leagues.  Since then, my drafted depth has carried me to a combined 11-9 for the season between the two aforementioned leagues.  Maybe I do know what i'm talking about.  Both leagues have no clear cut favorite, with injuries spreading through the NFL like the clap through Pattaya Beach, no team is safe.  That's where depth comes into play.  

Heres what ESPN has to say about the league formerly known as Somali Pirates Only

Last week's matchups further entrenched the league in an "Anybodies Game" scenario with now being mathematically eliminated with only 3 weeks to go before the playoffs.  Although, as each of the 6-4 teams win throughout the next three weeks, the doors of opportunity shut for our 3-7 and 4-6 teams.  One of the most bizarre things about this league is that league leader Hawaiian Meth Lab sit at 7-3, but is the 9th highest scoring team where as the little ape and his "Don't Stop Believing" misfits are the third highest scoring team but barring total collapses among the 6-4 teams has almost no chance to vie for his second league championship.  With that being said, lets elaborate in a new segment I like to call....

Fantasy Bios
Chapter 1:  The Little Ape that couldn't

Although this is official the second year of the Four Loko Society of Lemoore, the league is actually a legacy version of our squadron's "boat" league that goes back to the 2010-2011 season.  The league results, standings, rosters and brackets of the first two seasons have been lost in ESPN Fantasy Archives.  The only thing remembered by anyone is that IS1 Phillip "Robdog" Roberts won the first season only to fade into fantasy sport obscurity.  Season 2 is where everything changed for Chim Chim.  Winning the league, but no respect left the Ape hungry and much so that he chose to have his team auto-drafted for his championship defense season in our boat league.  The same day he drafted his own team for the inaugural season of our current league.  His auto-draft team dominated the regular season recording only one loss, while his live-drafted team finished tied for the worst record in league.  Mojo-jo-jo still had high expectations heading to the playoffs in his title defense only to lose in his first matchup to the one and only Commissioner Hank Mardukas, the very man who created his auto-drafted team. In that victory the curse of the Silver Monkey was born.   Any defending champion who auto-drafts is destined to fantasy obscurity for the rest of his days.  Which explains why, the ape can't buy a win this year despite having Calvin Johnson, Jimmy Graham, and Eddy Lacy on his roster.  To balance his roster's triumphs, the ape has made equally poor decisions, specifically, dropping Jordan Cameron and Alshon Jeffrey, both of whom could easily have changed his record from 3-7 to 5-5 or 6-4. And so goes the story of the little ape who couldn't.

Siragusa's Sliders Shack - Matchup 1

"There can be only one"  Go Dan 6-4 vs team Olson 6-4
Battle for the Birds of War Division

Before thursday,riding a four game win streak and looking at this matchup it would be easy to chalk this one up for Go Dan, but after T.Y. Hilton's lackluster performance paired with the titans putting up a goose egg for the man known as DAN COLL, this could been anyone's game.  Team Olson is one of many fantasy owners left at an crossroads with the injury to Aaron Rogers, and she has turned to Big Ben to fill the void.  If history has taught us anything, Big Ben hates Dan Coll.  After leading Go Dan to their first championship, Big Ben and team manager Dan Coll had a falling out over some soup and has since done everything in his power to destroy dan coll.  This week, Team Olson is the benefactor.  Team Olson's weakness all season has been depth at running back, or lack there of.  Starting the likes of the Lawfirm and Montee Ball on a weekly basis only exposes her more without Aaron Rogers filling the void.  This week Big Ben (thanks to dan coll) will provide more than enough to get the job done.  

Siragusa's Sliders Shack - Matchup 2

Jaycutty Bustanutty 6-4 vs the Screaming Ditkas 5-5
Tuggin on Bustanutty's Cape

Jaycutty is looking for a clean sweep on the Knowlton's after taking out Team Olson and The Leash City Tuskens in consecutive weeks.  The only man standing in his way from clinching a playoff spot, is Papa Bear Knowlton himself and his Screaming Ditkas.  Kendall Wright, Coby Fleener, and Adam Vinatieri, on an average week one might expect 27 pts combined (yahoo's projection), but to leave Thursday Nights game with 52.7 pts is more than ANYONE could have expected, and should be a cause of great concern for Cutty.  The Screaming Ditka's are riding Nick Foles' hot streak and playing against the terrible Redskins secondary should not slow him down one bit.  The key to this matchup will the #2 rb spot and the flex, which pins Rashard Mendenhall and Fred Jackson vs Leveon Bell and Pierre Thomas.  I wouldn't want any of those backs determining my playoff potential, but if I had to choose one, i'd go with Leveon due to the surplus of carries of he gets on a regular basis. That being said, i'm giving this one to The Screaming Ditkas.

Four Loko Society of Lemoore Matchups Quick Hits

Huge playoff implications in this one.  Both teams are solid top to bottom with only maybe one questionable start a piece, Hakeem Nicks for Lesnar and Anquan Boldin for the Rainmakers.  Giving this one to the Rainmakers thanks to Fleener over performing on thursday.

This is JCA's last stand, and knowing it rests upon the shoulders of the least consistent "#1" receiver in football (Marques Colston) and Marvin Jones can't give Trex the warm and fuzzies.  Sorry little buddy, time to focus on fantasy basketball.

With his season all but over, the Ape will begin his role as bracket buster this week.  First up, putting the Janikowskiiis out to pasture. 

Upset alert.  Call it a gut call, but Cashanova keeps his playoff hopes alive this week.


The only things worst than these two rosters is the fact that one will get another W and both have a good chance to make the playoffs.  Which should have all the other playoff contenders licking their chops.


Game of the week by far.  Reed continues his luck streak with a huge game from donald brown on thursday, and will cement his playoff position this week.  

Fan Duel Lineup

Josh McCown
Ben Tate
Alfred Morris
Alshon Jeffery
Pierre Garcon
Calvin Johnson
Julius Thomas
Josh Scobee
New York Jets

Banking on the McCown to Jeffery connection this week. The Bills are playing without their #1 and 2 receivers, and with the Jets stout run defense, they will feast this week. 

Half an hour till Kickoff folks. 

As Always.

Kick Rocks,

Your Hero Mardukas.